I’m so fucking tired of this. I’m tired of not knowing what I want and not knowing how I feel. I’m tired of thinking I want something, doing it, and regretting it immediately afterwards. I’m tired of being an asshole, I’m tired of being a dick, I’m tired of being depressed, I’m tired of wanting to kill myself, I’m tired of hurting the one person who has always been there for me. The one person who has done more for me than anyone ever fucking has or ever fucking will. Someone who has done more for me than I have done for myself. Someone who put up with my bullshit, and still did everything in her power to make me happy. I’m tired of her being unhappy. I want her to be happy, more so than i want myself to be happy. I left her thinking I would happier being single, and that i would hurt her less. that we would both be happier. how. fucking. wrong. i. was. I’ve hurt her more since we broke up than I did in the two years we’ve known each other. And I will never forgive myself for what i’ve put her through. even if she does, i won’t. She deserves so much better. I took for granted everything she did for me, and everything she put up with for me just to keep me happy. god i fucking hate myself. i’ve seriously thought about killing myself over the past few weeks. this war waging in my head is taxing. very taxing. and add to that everything i’ve done to her, all the pain i’ve cause her, the hell i put her through. but (obviously) i haven’t. and this issn’t a suicide note. I couldn’t do that to her. even still, through all of this, and after everything i’ve done, she is still the one holding me down to this earth. the one keeping me alive. the one who saved my life, if you want to go all cliche. which i do. so there it is. all i want is for her to be happy. and after she’s happy, i want to be happy. and i will do anything and everything in my power to make sure that she is happy, one way or another. hence why i contemplated suicide. it would get me out of the picture. she wouldn’t have to worry about me, i couldn’t hurt he anymore, she could move on, find someone better who will treat her right and not take her for granted as i did, and everything would be fine. but i realize that that would only hurt her that much more. so. here i am. living, breathing, and typing away. for what? her. after all this shit i’ve done. after breaking up with her, hurting her, saying i don’t want to be with her, i’m still living for her. i love her. i always have, and always will. for the past 4 years. that will never change. ever. nothing could ever, or will ever change that. part of my heart will always belong to her, and will always be with her. i don’t care what happens. even if she is better off without me. which i believe is true. i’m no good. and i definitely don’t deserve her. i’ve proved that much. all i want is to have her in my life, and to make sure she is happy, and stays happy. i will do whatever it takes. she means more to me than she knows, and maybe it’s better off that way. as long as she knows that i do care, that’s good enough for me. i will spend the rest of my life making sure everything goes the way it should for her, if need be. 

june sixth. june sixth, i ship out for the naval basic training center. two months of solitude, other than letters. i can’t wait. two months of time for me to be alone, and to figure all of this bullshit out. to figure out what it is that i want, to figure out what my feelings really are. to figure out if she is the one i want to be with. as we have both said, if it is meant to be, it will be. and i truly do believe that. and think these two months will be the time where it is decided. 

anyway, i’m done with my rant, i think. i’ve just been dying to get these thoughts out my head and on to something else, and haven’t had the opportunity to make someones ears bleed with all of my pointless, depression-filled whines. 

All i need you to do is to go to this link, type in “masochist” in the username box, click vote, then enter the two words that pop up in the anti-spam box, and then click vote! if you do this, send me an ask and you will get promoted! http://www.godzscape.org/vote/vote.php http://www.godzscape.org/vote/vote.php http://www.godzscape.org/vote/vote.php

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When you surprise me by picking me up from work.

All I want to do is make her feel better. But, no, I only came up with one thing to say that didn’t make the slightest bit of difference.

galeforcewinds